the bay

I am standing on the sand of the California coast. It’s no beach you’ve ever heard of, but he has. It’s a bay his mother used to take him to when he was a child. Him and Lola both. I am standing on the rocky edge of a tide pool and looking out into the ocean. A yellow sea snake slides in and out of the waves. It’s an invasive species and very deadly. I’m too far away to kill it.

I turn back to Micah, who is kneeling over one of the smaller pools. His favorite is the six-rayed sea star. We are in a competition to see who will lose their patience the fastest. The thought of drowning him occurs to me, then dissolves.

I thought it was honest, traveling out to the coast. It seemed a reasonable enough place for her to be. But she is not here now and he pretends not to hear me when I ask about it. We are here for the tide pools, evidently. He’s lifting up hermit crabs from the rocks. He knows how serious this is for me.

The sea snake reappears, closer. Micah pulls at my sleeve. Is he trying to be cute with me? My skin burns where he touches, literally burns. I keep looking at the snake.

My phone vibrates softly with Xavier’s theme. I click it off before it can get two notes in, but the damage is done. A memory is forced into my mind.

Xavier was 17 years old and had been under the knife more than anyone I’d ever known. It was his 100th surgery. He kept count. This one was bad and to his brain. He had melted down, full static for the world to see. My speakers had crackled with electricity when he spoke to me.

“I want them dead,” he said to me, “I want every single one of them dead. They can put me under all they want and that will never change.”

I was 13 and had neglected to tell him. I’m not sure it would’ve changed anything. He told me what most people already knew but what only he had seen. Below, the death mask of his father. Above, the mask of his killer. Eyes amidst dark fabric. Snake eyes. Then the python came out of the grass and ate both his parents in one bite.

I don’t think he was seeing too clearly then, but I guess I wouldn’t either. No. I would. But I wouldn’t expect anyone else to. Horribly, I start to think of logistics. I wonder what you would feed a snake of that size, in what enclosures you would keep it. I wonder how they fit the plates under Xavier’s skin when be turned 16 and of what material they are made of.

The snake slithers onto the beach finally. It takes me all of two seconds to crush its head. Painless. It didn’t even see it coming. Fucking snake eyes.

Micah dusts the sand off his bare knees. He’s stopped shaking. It’s warmer here than in Oregon. He apologizes with genuine contrition. He thought she would be here. He was pretty sure she had been, at some point. Well, obviously. She was here three years too early. I don’t know if he’s really getting his signals crossed or if he’s stalling. He already has another location lined up. It happens to be just as scenic.

This is torture. He looks at me so hopefully, as if I’m going to admit it. I tell him I forgive him for his mistake — and that l am sure he’ll get it right next time.

Just who does he think he’s testing?